DATING HARRY
"Shrimp are not shellfish"
FADE IN
EXT. A PLEASANT, SUNNY, CITY PARK IN SUMMER – AFTERNOON.
HARRY, a 5-foot 6-inch, slightly balding, 35-year-old on the
skinny side, and KELLIE, a pretty 39-year-old blond, the same
size and shape as Harry, are on a gravel path walking slowly
beside one another but not too close. They are talking. He
is rather more animated than she, turning toward her often,
gesticulating. She looks down or straight ahead most of the
time. Audio fades in on their conversation in progress.
HARRY
What does that even mean 'Our lives
are too different'? Different from
what?
KELLIE
Not 'what'. 'Who'.
HARRY
What?
KELLIE
No. 'Who'. Different from whose.
HARRY
'Whose'? Fine. Different from whose,
then?
KELLIE
From each other's.
HARRY
What are you talking about? We're
both human beings. We both breathe
air. Look! We're both bipeds.
We've got opposable thumbs. C'mon,
you wanna thumb-wrestle? You wanna
thumb-wrestle right now?! Bring it
on.
KELLIE
That's not what I mean.
HARRY
But I should warn you, I'm double
jointed in my right hand.
KELLIE
(laughs slightly)
That's not what I mean. Be serious.
HARRY
I'm being serious. How different
can our lives possibly be? We're
both people. We sleep. We work.
We eat-- Okay, so I'm not as big a
fan of shellfish as you, but we can
get past that.
KELLIE
You need solitude. I have none of
that in my life. I'm always super
busy and have a million things going
on and, honestly, I love it that way.
My schedule would crush you!
HARRY
Your schedule? What is this? Am I
interviewing to be your personal
assistant?
KELLIE
Be serious.
HARRY
What does it matter if you're busy?
So be busy.
KELLIE
We could keep going out. And it
would be fun. But eventually it
wouldn't go anywhere.
HARRY
I don't understand this. After one
date? We go on one date and already
it's 'our lives are too different'?
I've known you a week!
KELLIE
I'm just thinking ahead. Down the
road a bit.
HARRY
A bit? I need a map to find you.
You know, if you were a hearse driver
the burial would be very lightly
attended, let me tell you. You'd lose
the whole procession in traffic.
An elderly couple shuffles silently by in the other direction.
KELLIE watches them. HARRY doesn't notice.
KELLIE
What's the point of continuing if it's
obviously not going to work? I mean,
I still feel young but, you know, I'll
be eligible for AARP in a few years
and I can't spend months and months--
HARRY
AARP? You're 39!
KELLIE
I can't be spending months on someone
who isn't going to work out.
HARRY
Okay. I admit. We have different
lives, for sure. I mean, you've got
three kids and run a restaurant. I'm
a writer. I do need some solitude.
But you recognize that. See? We
understand each other. Even after only
a week. That should count for
something.
KELLIE
Some solitude!? What did you do
yesterday?
HARRY
Yesterday? I-I worked. Why?
KELLIE
Did you see another human being
yesterday?
They pass a filthy bum sleeping under some news papers on a
park bench. HARRY stares at him as they go by. KELLIE
doesn't notice.
HARRY
(distracted)
What?... Of course--
KELLIE
Who?
HARRY
Jeez! What're you, gunning for
Guantanamo's Employee of the Month
here?
KELLIE
Who!?
HARRY
Well... there was... Mrs. Papaiak.
When I went down to get the mail--
KELLIE
Did you talk to her?
HARRY
Talk? Are you crazy? To Mrs. Papaiak?
The woman's got enough grandkids to
warrant their own representative in
congress. And half of them seem to
be aspiring writers. She's always
got a script somewhere in her
apartment for me to read. The rest
are apparently all obstetricians who
just delivered twins in a Starbucks
last week and 'wouldn't I like to
read the clipping'. The New England
Journal of Medicine should be very
interested in this Moca Java induced
preemie spike, let me tell you.
KELLIE
So you didn't even talk to one person
yesterday.
HARRY
Talk? No. I feigned laryngitis
and took the stairs back up.
KELLIE
Be serious. I'll bet you didn't
even utter one word out loud
yesterday, did you?
HARRY
This is ridiculous--
KELLIE
Did you?
HARRY
Who keeps track of things like that?
KELLIE
My point is, you wouldn't be able to
function in my world. How would you
be able to concentrate with a
teenager, an 8-year-old and a toddler
running around?
HARRY
This is nuts. One date and your kids
are already crashing at my place on
the weekends.
KELLIE
Down the road.
HARRY
Down the road? I don't know. I'd...
buy a Nintendo.
KELLIE
Nintendo? Harry, you don't even
have a TV.
HARRY
Doesn't it come with one?
A bicycle rider temporarily separates them with a ding of her
bell from behind.
KELLIE
Listen, I think the world of you.
You're truly a wonderful guy...
HARRY
Oh here we go.
KELLIE
What? I'm being sincere.
HARRY
I don't doubt it.
KELLIE
What does that mean?
HARRY
I'm a 'wonderful guy'. You 'think
the world of me'. But no second
date. That always means the same
thing.
KELLIE
Oh, now you know what I'm thinking?
After a week?
HARRY
Hey, you tell me. You go out with a
wonderful guy who you think the
world of and he's attractive?
Automatic second date. Probably
third and fourth, too.
KELLIE
(indignant)
What does that mean?
HARRY
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the
attempt to save my feelings. Very
kind of you.
KELLIE
Oh. C'mon. You're attractive.
HARRY
Uh-uh. Sorry. Attractive, wonderful
guy. Automatic second date.
Unattractive, wonderful guy? 'Our
lives are too different'.
KELLIE
What do you want? You wanna go out
again? Is that what you want? Fine.
(mechanically)
What are you doing Friday night?
HARRY
Ohhh no. No pity date. Are you
kidding? What kind of disaster of
awkwardness would that be?
KELLIE
So what then?
HARRY
So nothing. I called your bluff
and that's that.
KELLIE
What's that?
HARRY
'What's that'. That's that.
KELLIE
I don't think I was bluffing. How
was I bluffing?
HARRY
You had a weak rejection hand and I
called it.
KELLIE
I did not have a weak rejection hand.
I have a strong rejection hand.
HARRY
(confused)
Well... whatever. But I called it.
I called you on it.
KELLIE
So you called it. Have it your way.
(silence for a few steps)
HARRY
See how we're already bickering?
After only a week? We're made for
each other. Shellfish or no shellfish.
KELLIE
(smiles)
I keep telling you. Shrimp are not
shellfish.
HARRY
I don't know how you can eat shrimp
in the Midwest. Practically the only
bodies of water around are irrigation
ditches and runoff channels...
KELLIE
It's all flown in on ice.
HARRY
You mean like organ donations... On
the plane right next to the kidney
cooler.
Audio fade out as they walk on down the path away from fixed
camera.
FADE TO BLACK
...